You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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