ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk is not a location!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
