I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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