I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
