mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.