i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
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Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?