does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
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Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
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Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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