Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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