hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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