So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
