Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
