im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
