You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
