Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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