There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
