omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Life is so much better after having sex.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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