i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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