dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
