Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
