I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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