Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
