What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
