Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
