I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
