the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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