im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
