no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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