i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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