So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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