she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
