can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
