I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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