i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
