i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
