they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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