Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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