the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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