So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
