The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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