I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
