He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
