You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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