I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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