new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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