my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
