Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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