It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
