i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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