so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
