Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This baby is an asshole
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
