It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
