dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
