just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
