My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
