Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
