I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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