im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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