I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
