i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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