just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
