I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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